What Are You Looking For?

Let me ask you a question today - what are you looking for?  Have you been betrayed by your loved one?  Has your wife been  unfaithful?  What about your husband?  Have you discovered a secret fascination with pornography  or sexually explicit interest that doesn't even involve you?  Did you find the pictures on his phone or the text messages from her co-worker on hers?  Has she suddenly started changing her style or appearance before leaving for the office each day?  Friend, what have you discovered that left you breathless and hurting?  The pain of betrayal by a partner or spouse is some of the most excruciating to experience and it's enough to break up the seemingly most solid unions.  

So, let's get candid, shall we?

How long ago did the unfaithfulness occur?  Was it last week?  Two years ago?  Maybe it was 15 years ago and you still feel the sting of the emotional syringe that overflows with toxins of infidelity.  The poison to your soul still swims in your thoughts and creeps up in your intimate moments.  Most of the time you're okay, but then it happens.  A text message sounds from the other room on his phone and you momentarily wonder if it's evidence of a new misstep on his part.  Did he succumb to the temptation to look again?  Or, she comes home from work and in a different set of clothes than when she left. The gym clothes she now sports are explained by her reported stop by the fitness center on her way home.  Flashbacks from the past make you wonder if she stopped for a rendezvous somewhere.  Did she reconnect with the flame of her past again?  

He goes to the shower and you aren't able to resist the urge to check his phone despite your best efforts to trust and not doubt.  As you scroll through his browsing history and incoming text messages, you scold yourself for not trusting him more before you swing full throttle in the other direction and curse his name for ever having made you wonder in the first place.  Finally, though, you exhale.  You found nothing this time.  Your heart rate slows and you inhale the return of peace that follows findings of his faithfulness.  You didn't get hurt again.  Not today.  You bask in the relief that settles into your stomach and dare to hope for a future of continued fidelity.  The knots loosen and you promise yourself for the hundredth time that you'll stop checking his electronics.

She leaves for work and assures you that she never talks to him anymore.  You want to believe her, but the revelation of her emotional affair with him just a year ago still stings.  The hair on the back of your neck stands even all these months later as you envision her at work.  You imagine the worst as you see her with him in the coffee break room.  Talking.  Smiling at him the way she used to smile at you.  You see her laughing at his jokes and your face starts to get flushed.  Suddenly, the agony culminates into an image of the two of them stealing a kiss before returning to their respective offices.  His hand brushes against her waist and she looks back at him over her shoulder as she leaves their private moment.  The nausea builds and you wonder how long you can keep offering trust when you know he still loves her.  Wants her.  Does she really mean it when she says she chooses you?  Chooses your marriage over all other men? 

Any of this sound familiar?  So, again, I ask - what are you looking for?

Many people know these imagined scenarios well.  They've been through the trenches of betrayal and broken trust in their marriage or other romantic relationship.  The pain is jagged.  The doubts are sometimes debilitating.  The fears, the insecurities, the utter emotional mayhem wreaks havoc on every facet of your life.  None of it remains untouched or unscathed.  

First, let me validate the pain you've endured at the hands of the person you love who promised never to injure your heart.  Friend, it can leave you reeling for days, weeks, months, and even years after you've sustained this kind of emotional injury by the one who vowed to honor, love, and cherish you.  The pain is real and the healing arduous.  If you're here reading this, give yourself some credit and love because you're obviously looking for answers.  For help.  For guidance.  For something, even if you don't yet know what that something is.  

In the days to come, ask yourself what you're actually looking for when you find yourself in scenarios like the ones painted above.  Are you looking for evidence that will validate your worst fears and confirm your ugliest suspicions?  Or, are you looking for the proof that supports all the reasons you decided to stay? You may not know at first glance.  Maybe it's a combination of both.  Or, maybe it's something all together different.  In any case, take some time to really explore your own inner motives and hopes.  Maybe you're looking for an excuse to leave, but perhaps you're searching for that  one reason to stay? 

What are you looking for?  

Drop a comment or thought in the comments section, or if you believe it's time for some help with the working through process, view this post on the 805 Counseling Services website and contact information at www.805counseling.com/contact