Wait For It...

The last couple of months have been trying, to say the least.  In early March, I went to court in a child support case, the outcome of which consisted of the presiding judge imputing an income to me which I no longer have in order to pay my child's father an astronomical monetary amount.  Though he could also work to make financial contributions, he cited disability and a welfare case as justifications to bleed my bank account to supply his. Though I don't dispute the need for my financial support of our daughter since she resides with him in a different county, I do disagree with a system that breaks one parent to pay the other, especially when both parents are able to work.  I believe in an empowerment model, one that rules in favor of both parents, not just one, working hard to provide for children.  I believe that we're all given a measure of gifting, talent, and skill, and it's up to us, individually, to do better, grow deeper, and become self-sustaining.  I've needed plenty of help in my own lifetime, but I've tried hard to never ask someone else to do for me what I could do for myself.  For me, it was always important to be able to stand on my own two feet, lest I put my security in the confidence of man (Psalm 146:3) because I have made that error once following my first marriage, and it's dangerous and unstable ground.  Fortunately, I'm married to an amazingly supportive man today who always steps up to help me stand when I feel like I'm falling - and I did fall.  The days immediately following the court's ruling left me blindsided, terrified, and despairing of even life because I genuinely had no idea how to gather the monies I was now mandated to pay.  Ironically, the child support system in California will flag your account for driver's license suspension if you fall behind in payments (did they somehow miss that a driver's license is typically a necessity for getting to and from work in order to pay these high dollar amounts? 😒), so when they backdated his support for him, I was behind already before I even got started with the higher financial amount.  The burden was just too heavy and though I pressed hard into Philippians 4:19 that says "My God will supply all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus," I simply couldn't see the tangible solution in light of my decreased income. I pleaded with God to increase my faith and help my unbelief (Mark 9:24), but as the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into the month of April, I still didn't see a way.  Broken and fearing for so many things, I finally let go.  In a deep breath of surrender on the way to work one day, I whispered to God - "if I perish, I perish, but Lord, your will be done (Esther 4:16)."

That moment of surrender came on April 26, just a few days before I would be late in a payment exceeding two-thousand dollars, and subsequently flagged for driver's license suspension. I knew if I didn't receive the money that day, my fate of paying late would be sealed and the outcomes irreversible, but for the first time in the almost two months following our March 4 court date, I didn't care.  I was so exhausted from the worry and panic of weeks passed that I just accepted whatever fate awaited.  I released the need to see a specific outcome and asked God to have His way.  I started to care less about receiving the money I needed and more about knowing the God who allowed the circumstance.  I embraced the reality that if He allowed me to perish in this manner I would learn something of value in it.  I didn't like it, but I accepted it.  I knew if God's hand permitted the presence of pain, the promise of purpose would soon prevail (Isaiah 66:9).   

"Finally," I could almost hear all of heaven sigh - "finally, she gets it and is ready to receive," and receive I did.  The money I needed to keep my driver's license in tact arrived that day (2 Peter 3:9).  That morning, I had accepted a fate of potential perishing and by evening, God released what I needed to prevent that from happening.  My answer to the problem wasn't in my own abilities to bring it to pass, but in God's presence amidst the problem.  I longed to see His provision, but He desired to give me vision (2 Kings 6:17).  I had been asking God to provide, but He was longing to deliver (Isaiah 30:18).  I asked Him again - Lord, please provide, but He taught me a new level of prevailing (Romans 8:37).  I asked Him to come through in my hour of need, but He pointed to the Cross, and said "go to" (Matthew 11:28-30). I pleaded with Him to decrease the amount of money I owed, yet He tasked me with trusting Him to provide the higher amount out of His bounty (Ephesians 3:20). He showed me that while my enemy was focused on money, my call was to fixate on love (1 Timothy 6:9-11). 

The Lord is good, my friends (1 Chronicles 16:34), and He's not just good when the waves are calm and the sun is out, though His goodness certainly is easier to discern in those moments.  However, don't lose sight of the treasures to be found in darkness (Isaiah 45:3), because He's in those places too.  When you're sobbing on the floor in fear of what comes next or you're considering the weight of pain from whatever trauma you've endured, allow me to point you in the same direction He led me - go to the Cross.  Jesus is waiting for you there with open arms and purpose for all of your pain (Romans 8:28).  He's good when the torrents threaten to drown you and the hot winds blaze against you.  When you encounter the evil in others, the greed of the lazy, the betrayal of a loved one, or the violence of the wicked, remember that He too knows those injustices (Isaiah 53:3-5).  He will right every wrong and bring justice to the wicked, but it's His time and way, not ours (Isaiah 55:8-9).  My husband and I still don't know how we're going to pay this man every month, and we will likely continue to juggle one bill to pay another, but the beauty of it all is that God has shown us a deeper level of intimacy with Him and with each other.  He has shown us the utter meaninglessness and deception of money and the value of a heart that truly knows God.  Today, when you survey your own valley of wreckage or circumstance of pain and seeming defeat, take a deep breath in and then exhale.  As you release the weight of that last breath, whisper your willingness to surrender not only the process, but also the outcome to the One who knows the beginning from the end (Isaiah 46:10) - and then look for the good and wait for it...

 

"For the vision is yet for an appointed time; but at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry. Behold the proud, his soul is not upright in him; but the just shall live by faith." - Habakkuk 2:12