Hating God, With Love
I heard the words roll off my tongue recently - I hate you God. I felt no remorse, no shame, only the continuation of pain for which I now blamed Christ. I sent a close friend of mine a text message asking her for prayer because I knew I desperately needed it. Why would I lead anyone to follow Jesus, I asked her in the text. This life of faith is one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. The highs may be high, but these lows. Man. I just can't do it anymore, I spoke through tears. I felt abandoned by the One who is supposed to love me most, know me best, and lead me through. I perceived nothing of His presence and the sense of separation was gut wrenching. I likened God to an omniscient, omnipresent, and all powerful parent, the kind who couldn't fail me the way I know I've at times failed my own children. Yet, in this moment, I felt He had failed me. I looked around and saw nothing but wreckage. My own responsibility and choices in the matter weren't lost on me, but I had done everything I knew to follow His lead. I read my Bible relentlessly, prayed fervently, sought wise counsel, and fasted completely. The words step out to find out rang in my ears and I looked back at how my steps had led. And I got angry. I said it again, this time slower - I...hate...you...God.
Can we just keep it real here? My blog is, after all, titled Real Talk with Doc, so let's get raw and messy and honest. If we were in a group of 100 people and I asked for a show of hands to reveal anyone who has ever felt they hated God, how many of you would be brave enough to stick the arm up high? Go ahead, do it now in the silence of your living room, or office, or bedroom. Wherever you find yourself in this moment, if you've ever felt like you hated your Maker, raise your hand. Now, close your eyes, inhale deeply, and trust that He can handle it. Exhale. You're still loved, you are still chosen, and you are most definitely forgiven (and when you're ready, ask for that forgiveness because you did just admit to feeling hatred for God.) I'm kidding, don't feel badly. You're not alone and anyone who has walked with God for long enough does experience the disillusionment that can come from dashed hopes, unmet expectations, and painful situations. I even felt like setting fire to my Bible once when I was mad at the Lord. Fortunately, my husband talked me down. Anyone who knows my love for Jesus knows that my Bibles are the most sacred possession I have, so this was a serious moment of anguish, pain, and anger. I hate to break it to you, but the life of faith in Jesus is one hell storm after another (Acts 14:22), and I caution you against believing any man who says it's all butterflies and unicorns. It's not. Some days I loathe walking in faith of God. I'd rather throw off my metaphorical robe of righteousness, pull up a chair on the beach, and drink mimosas first thing in the morning. Had I not made the ridiculous decision to move to Midland, Texas five months ago, I might have done just that today. Thank God I'm surrounded not by beach, but by oil field. It made restraint from mimosas on the beach far easier. That said, I implore you to keep going (Philippians 3:14).
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