Turn the Page

As summer nears its seasonal end and fall slowly moves in, I find myself reflecting on the changing tides of my own life, and in this moment, I'm grateful, but perplexed.  I'm content, yet I feel something missing. My life is so full of good things, yet I find myself reaching for more.  Ever been in this dichotomous place? I am cognizant of some absent pieces in my life, yet I love the space in which I exist.  I live in sunny, Southern California with my best friend, who happens to also be my husband.  Our roommates consist of Lilo and Stitch (pictured) and their lazy, selfish, arrogant ways keep me laughing.  

I work hard, usually seven days a week (Don't judge me, I'm working on finding balance), but I play too.  I feel joy when I see my husband (or our cats) walk into a room, but as recently as yesterday, I found myself sobbing on the floor (a grueling pilates workout might have been involved) without a firm grasp on why.  The pain from the exercise was real, but certainly not sufficient to substantiate the volume of tears on my floor, so my diagnostic quest began. First stop? Hormones.  At 45-years-old, the invasion of perimenopause in my life has turned many things upside down, and I frequently have to assess the why behind some disproportionate emotional experience. Second stop?  Various life stressors.  Yesterday, in particular, I spent a couple hours processing and exploring causative variables behind the breakdown.  I felt so sad and depleted, yet everything around me makes me smile, so it didn't make sense.  In the space of uncertainty and questions, I began an interrogative discussion with my Maker and demanded answers to my own conflicted emotionality.  This is what I learned...

You can be happy and even joyful, but still experience sadness, or worse, despair.  Don't listen to the enemy's whisper that the pit of depressive thoughts is where you'll stay. John 8:44 reminds us that "when he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies."(NIV)  That deep hole of anguish is an exploratory space to learn from that will lead you to the riverbank if you'll choose to rest, but not reside. Navigate the contributing variables to your state of sadness, but get up.  Yesterday, as I cried while shaking during plank position of my pilates workout, I wanted to drop to the floor and stay there, but the Spirit of God within me (Romans 8:9) roared (Job 37:4) and compelled me to rise.  My body quaked, but my spirit soared.  I struggled to complete the full routine because my flesh ached, but the internal desire for better health compelled me to finish.  I was frustrated because of the hormonal weight gain since entering my 40's. The effort I've continually put in for almost a year now has yielded precious little return on my investment, but catchphrases like "consistency is key" and "it always seems impossible until it's done," swim about in my thoughts.  I fight back by listening to motivational speeches and encouraging sermons, but in yesterday's moment of sorrow, I just felt depleted and discouraged.  I surveyed the other external stressors and variables that I suspected as negative emotional culprits, things like sleep deprivation, a loved ones deterioration in health, the absence of my daughter, the pervasive battle against sin and temptation, frustrations in a a work situation, and financial stress due to the laziness and monetary dependence of the parasitic father to one of my offspring (sorry, not sorry).  All of these situational stressors had built up over time and in a single moment yesterday, they all crashed onto the shoreline of my heart. I crumbled.  

Friend, if this describes the valley you find yourself in, a place of contradictory emotionality that vacillates between joy and sadness, know that it's a chapter, not the entire story.  You're on page 45 of a book spanning hundreds more pages.  Or, maybe you're only on page 22.  You're younger and experiencing the pain of betrayal by your first real love.  It stings deeply, but God isn't finished writing your romance story. Cry a thousand tears if you must because your Abba Father keeps them in a bottle (Psalm 56:8) and they're never wasted.  The right person is being prepared by God, just as you are, and this takes time.  Maybe you're on page 87 and feeling fearful about the end chapters of your life on this earth, but He says your beautiful gray hair is a crown of glory (Proverbs 16:31) and what awaits you is greater than what you've ever had (Job 42:10-13).  Whatever page you find yourself on, read it.  Learn from it.  Explore it. Then, turn it. 

Turn the page because the beauty following the bleakness of the one you're on will astonish you.  If you stop before you turn it though, you'll miss out on the treasures God intends to bring from the darkness (Isaiah 45:3) of chapter 6, 50, or 100.  Don't assume that because you find yourself in a moment of sadness that joy is out of reach.  It's not.  After I took the time yesterday to process with God what I was feeling and why, the rough waters receded and my peace returned.  Feel the weight and darkness of where you are, but when you've looked it straight in the face, decide to conquer it (Romans 8:37) and keep moving.  It's not over and you're not finished.  The work is just getting started, so my friend, turn that page.  

 

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns" - Philippians 1:6

 

 Video Credits: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8iDuZv_5MQk