Identity Undone

  As the year comes to a close, I find myself contemplating what has been, what is, and what will be - reflections common for many of us as a new year approaches.  2020, especially, has been a trying year for individuals all over the world, and my hope is that by coming together as a community to share stories, we can also join hearts in prayer and encouragement.  For me personally, it has been a year of tremendous sacrifice and holy pursuit of the Cross of Christ.  I didn't realize just how profoundly the larger life oblations had affected me until my husband of just six months asked me to lay down something much smaller. As our identities merged following marriage (Mark 10:8), my impulse to retain my individuality kicked in to high gear.  I nearly burst into tears at the thought of letting one more piece of myself go to the black abyss of who and what I once was.   What he asked me to let go of would, ordinarily, be a simple release, and even an exciting one, but because I already felt my identity of the last decade slipping away, I clung with dear life to one of the only few remaining things that made me me.  He got it.  He understood the tears, the fears, and the reluctance to surrender.  I found myself taking deep, intentional breaths as I prayed through the experiential phenomena of an identity undone.  

What do you do when life takes turns you didn't see on the map you had drawn out?  For me, 2020 has perhaps been the wildest life ride yet, at least in terms of unpredictability.  Proverbs 19:21 says "many are the plans in a man's heart, but the Lord's purposes prevail." His purposes in my own life this year have been misunderstood by many, but treasured by me.  The pain has been a lump of coal turned diamonds and the suffering has cultivated a strength and perseverance I didn't even know I had. Nothing has gone according to my plan, but as the year winds down and I reflect on all that is, I am cognizant of my own gratitude for the unexpected.  I lost my career, but I gained a broader mission.   I forfeited my future as I understood it, but acquired a deeper purpose in the present.  The ego I once fed with accolades and worldly success, I have now starved through the process of stepping down in the world and bowing in humility before Christ (Matthew 23:12).  The battles that have raged are still ongoing and my defeat has looked promising to the enemies around me, but here's what I know - none of my adversaries are as mighty as the God within me (Psalm 46:5).  Psalm 46:5 says that God is within her, she will not fail, and despite outward appearances of tragedy and loss, I know that the table of victory is now being set (Psalm 23:5).  Those intent on watching my downfall are about to watch me rise above because the power of heaven is backing me and the Spirit of God is in me (1 John 4:4).  Satan has tried to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10) not only my family, career, and destiny, but also my joy, peace, and passion.  Fortunately, I'm privy to the truth of John 8:44 that reminds me of his identity as the "father of all lies." For every setback I've experienced this year, God has already propelled me onward for greater.  For every loss, God has orchestrated a new beginning, and inside of every tear, He has bestowed a deeper blessing  (Psalm 56:8) if I only have eyes to see (Matthew 13:16).  

The road hasn't been easy, but Jesus tells us in John 16:33 that "in this world, you will have trouble..." so it's not only naive, but also dangerous to presume our own exemption from carrying the cross of sacrifice, hardship, and affliction (James 1:2-4). Many have lost their identities this year - the shop owner filed for bankruptcy, death of a loved one changed a family's core structure, the teenager forbidden to attend school longs for connection.  The facial masks now worn by all represent a deeper spiritual truth than most care to admit.  Who are you really, and can you truly know the answer to that question unless your identity first comes undone? If you are in that space and place and don't know what comes next, let me assure you - you're right where you're meant to be and your despair is a supernaturally designated precursor to your deliverance and the enemy's destruction. Your identity, more than being undone, is in the process of becoming.  Trust the journey and trust in God (Proverbs 3:5-6) to lead you through the darkest valleys (Psalm 23:4) and into a new light (Revelation 21:5).  Let it all come undone so that it can fully and authentically become.  

I encourage you to walk through these valleys together.  If you have a story to share, please feel free to write it on this site or private message me and we can walk hand in hand through the highs, lows, and everything in between!

"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.  For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow.  But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him - a threefold cord is not quickly broken." 

-Ecclesiastes 4:9-12